To compare thee to a motion picture;

Would be much harder than planting a kiss;

Upon your cheeks you choose which set, good sir;

Your looks so sweet and rump callipygous.

A moovie has the pow’r to change the world;

But often leaves sou’r tastes inside my mouth;

A bad moovie like olden milk that’s curdle’d;

Evokes boredom and thoughts a-heading south.

“So what?” you say “is this another blog”;

“A spoiled white guy complaining ‘bout art?”;

Perhaps, but lest you want your mental cogs;

To churn like butter while you sit and shart.

This final couplet is supposed to rhyme;

But I don’t give a fuck that’s enough time.

(Shit, that rhymed)

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Well, dear reader, I hope you enjoyed that Shakespearean Sonnet vaguely about film, vaguely about milk. To be frank and forthright, I’m not really too sure what that poem was about, but I hope it made you think. That’s what I’m trying to get at in this column; like watching a moovie, I want you readers to think after marinating in this column. Once a month, I’ll attempt the most venerable task an upper-middle-class white guy can do—write about moovies! Yippee!

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This won’t be your average, layman’s film column, however. While I will provide occasional, simple moovie reviews, you can also expect: satirical film reviews, rants about a moovie I just watched, entire copy-pasted screenplays of moovies I just watched but edited and pasted in a specific way that writes that screenplay off as my own. Y’know, the usual bullshit.

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Aside from typical tabloid fodder, the film industry is actually something I care deeply about. So, expect a sincere deep-dive into the nuts and bolts of the film industry—the reality of Hollywood filmmaking, warts and all. Now, I’m not sitting here and acting like I know everything about cinema, but I will write stuff to—hopefully—spur on thought. As a matter of fact, this column will be like the films you may watch: some might be thought-provoking, eloquently-worded polemics on film culture or the art of cinema, while others might very well belong in the trash—a true dumpster fire. Nonetheless, I implore you to keep an open mind in this column. There’s method to my madness. Until next time!

Your pal,

Joel

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